Thursday, 11 August 2016

Let's Talk......Anxiety & Panic


Just a quick little note before you begin to read this post.....this is something that I have wanted to write up for a really long time but have kept putting it off as a "I will when I'm ready" post, it's quite a personal post for today and something that I thought I'd share with you.

My blog is a space where I feel I can talk about anything and everything, from an Instagram worthy makeup photo or just my everyday beauty must haves, but there is one thing that I've been wanting to talk about & it's something I've mentioned briefly on my blog somewhere, it's my experiences with Anxiety & Panic attacks and hopefully make a positive impact on any of you reading this and if you are an anxiety and panic attack suffer like myself I can make you feel less alone in someway, because I have felt alone and like no-one understands what it feels like and basically to say hey it's okay I get it & to maybe show you an alternative way to getting help, that and to let you know "things will be fine".

My anxiety & panic attacks started from when I was about 13, throughout my life I've been through quite a lot of different challenging times to say the least, all from a young age, events where family members have died and I now can remember them only through photos, to other more recent life challenging events, which have all lead me to having and suffering with extremely bad anxiety & panic attacks. Anxiety & panic is an awful emotion that I have struggled to try and cope with, and like many it can creep up on me at any given time. They are not fun at all and something that I've found can for me personally take over and I find it a struggle to regain control and live a 'normal carefree' life, we all experience different levels of anxiety some can be as simple as "do I do this?" or "do I do that?" but some people including myself have a much more higher threshold which leads to having panic attacks and for me one of the main factors of my anxiety is feeling like I've upset someone or people and letting them down. Like I said I've had them since I was 13 and still have them today.......there have been SO many times where I've just wanted to curl up into a ball and just hide away, as my anxiety levels have hit the roof, I could walk into a shop somedays & literally have to run out of the nearest exit because something sent me into a panic.........and I might not even know what or why.

I have had days where I feel fine & then others where I just don't even want to leave my house because I'm that anxious, which in-turn leads to a vicious cycle of never ending fear and dread. I always find myself constantly being anxious as to "what if this...." or "what if that...". There has been many an occasion where I'm chatting to someone and what they are saying is going completely over my head and I just not focusing on what they are saying & all I can see is their mouth moving, or I have had to say I'm not feeling 100% today....or my anxiety has effected some of the decisions I make......

here are a few things that I've felt and that have happened to me whilst having a panic attack:

I've felt trapped and that I can't breathe
I start shaking and uncontrollable crying
I'm not fully 'with it'
when I get tired my mind goes into overload and triggers me to panic.
I've felt hot & cold
I've felt like I can't move,
I've felt smuthered
I've felt overwhelmed
Sheer terror
Light headed
Heart in head pumping really loudly and it's all I can hear
I've literally felt like I'm going to die
Really really hot and bothered

Like I said earlier sometimes you might not even know what caused you to feel anxious or send you into a panic which I've had and that's okay to not know or understand so don't ever beat yourself up. One panic attack experiences I had back in my school days was one of the worst I was feeling all these different feelings & emotions and I had people smothering me & even had people laugh at me (including fully grown adults), which is the worst part because I felt ten times more worse, this leads me onto the next part, people not understanding......now I have struggled with this just as much as the anxiety and panic attacks themselves, I do understand that not everyone knows or 'gets' what anxiety is or what a panic attack is, or how it's triggered which is one thing that frustrates me, people not understanding yet being the first to laugh or not think about why I've made a certain decision, or how it affects my life. No one ever really understands until they've experienced it first hand and been there. However there are some people who might not understand but just roll with it and do the best they can to try and 'get' what you are feeling or going through.

The only way I can possibly describe it is that I can go from one minute feeling & being completely fine and positive to the next feeling crushed and wanting to run a million miles away which I'm sure many other people can relate to too, I've had a panic attacks whilst walking around a supermarket, in a cinema (one of the worst), a taxi, at a family members house, on the bus & train, at school, at work, and many other places, they just pop up out of the blue and then once I've had an attack I feel like I've ruined everything and get frustrated with myself because I feel like I can't 'get a grip' on my panic attacks and anxiety & that I'm letting people down. It's a vicious circle of emotions that can get better gradually and things slowly have for me, I've just started getting acupuncture and it's helping me millions, which I didn't think it would, I've had many people say to me "go and get some counselling ..." and many other things which I know in my heart wouldn't help as who likes talking about crap that's happened in their past? not me, but I decided that I wanted to try acupuncture, it's one of the weirdest things but has really helped bring down my anxiety, I've had about three to four sessions so far and I've never felt so calm and less anxious, I did feel very nervous & scared about going when it was the first session and almost said no I can't, but in the end I just did it. And I'm SO glad I did, I'm less anxious and just feel more calmer. I'm always on 'red alert' for things to happen which is because I'm basically like a leaf that's hanging on to a tree in autumn......the smallest rush of wind and it's fallen off and spinning in the air.....It's hard to stop....but since getting 'help' as such, it's making me feel much more of a calmer and less anxious person, I can wake up sometimes with sheer dread and terror as to "what if this...." or "what if that....", It's one thing that I have struggled with massively and it's even effected my confidence but slowly & touch wood *touches wood* I'm getting there slowly but in my own time.......I just wanted to say that everyday might not be good or go as you hoped, but that there is something good in everyday so make it count.

Anxiety & Panic can be quite soul destroying at times but the important thing you can do is, do things that make you calm and feel relaxed, surround yourself with oodles of positivity & positive people and live in the now....not in the past or the future.....as after all we can only live one day at a time till bedtime ;).

I just wanted to share this in hope that I can let anyone who is reading this not feel alone or like no-one gets what they are going through, because it's bloody difficult and something that I wish people talked about more, I also wanted to share a different way of getting control and help with sharing my experience with acupuncture which I will talk about more on here a few more sessions down the line, all I can say at this stage is, I feel a lot more calmer and like I'm slowly getting my anxiety under control.......which I've been wanting for a very very long time, so don't give up hope because things do and will get better.......just take one day at a time.

And just remember........."Things Will Be Fine".
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